


Double-Oh-McKay: License to Love?

by Spikedluv



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-20 22:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spikedluv/pseuds/Spikedluv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney’s in the wrong place at the wrong time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double-Oh-McKay: License to Love?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Atlantis Urban Legend Slash Challenge](http://flordeneu.livejournal.com/24065.html). My urban legend: An American tourist picked up pacing outside a foreign hotel is mistaken for a streetwalker; she avoids going to jail by purchasing a license to practice prostitution.
> 
> Written: March 3, 2006

There was a burst of static and then Teyla’s voice in his ear. “Colonel Sheppard, this is Teyla.”

John slowed his pace so he wouldn’t interrupt the spiel their tour guide was giving them about this portion of the city’s defenses, and tapped his earpiece. “Go ahead, Teyla.”

Ronon cut him a quick look, then appeared to turn his attention back to Symmand, their guide.

“Colonel,” Teyla said, “we seem to have run into a slight...problem.”

In the background, John heard Rodney’s disgruntled, “Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!” He ground to a halt. “What did Rodney do now?”

“It seems that Dr. McKay had inadvertently ventured into a part of town that is not open to everyone.”

“This is so not my fault!” Rodney said, frustration evident in his voice. “Teyla, tell Colonel Sheppard that it’s not my fault.”

“How did he manage that?” John asked Teyla.

Ronon pulled up short and gave up all pretense of listening to Symmand. He made his way back to John and studied his face as he communicated with Teyla. Symmand, seeing that he’d lost his audience, also stepped closer.

“What’s wrong, Sheppard?”

John raised his hand and gestured for Ronon to wait a moment as he listened for Teyla’s reply. “Teyla?”

“Colonel, it appears that Dr. McKay is being arrested.”

“Arrested? For what, exactly?”

“That is...unclear. He is being taken to the Hall of Justice for what this officer called ‘processing’.”

“That doesn’t sound good. All right, we’ll meet you there,” John said, then turned to Ronon and Symmand. “McKay’s been arrested. Teyla wasn’t clear on the charges. Can you take us to the Hall of Justice?” he asked Symmand.

“Yes, of course, Colonel Sheppard.”

*~*~*

  
They covered the two clicks to the Hall of Justice in record time. Inside, Symmand spoke to the official at the front desk and moments later they were ushered into a windowless room where Teyla, Rodney and their official guide waited. There were no armed officers of the law, which surprised John. Both Rodney and Teyla looked up when they entered, but Rodney immediately ducked his head back down, intently studying the readings on the computer screen.

“Hey, Teyla,” John said.

“Colonel Sheppard, Ronon,” Teyla returned the greeting.

Ronon merely nodded his acknowledgment of Teyla’s greeting, but he looked both her and Rodney over carefully, as if to assure himself that they were both all right, then took up position beside Teyla.

Fighting down the smile at Ronon’s unsubtle maneuver and Teyla’s narrowed eyes, John walked over to where Rodney was sitting, bent over the computer on his lap.

“Rodney.”

“Colonel,” Rodney replied without looking up.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” When John remained silent, Rodney did look up. At the disbelieving expression on his face, Rodney amended, “Well, something, of course, but it’s all been taken care of. There was no need for you and Ronon to come, and certainly no reason you should stay. In fact, why don’t you go back to playing with guns, or whatever it was you were doing before Teyla bothered you?”

“Teyla said you’d been arrested. I think I—, we were justified in being a little bit concerned about that.”

“Yes, well, your concern is duly noted, and appreciated, of course,” he added at John’s look, “but completely unnecessary. I was arrested, but now I’m being released. All taken care of.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes, just like that.”

Though he sounded confident, Rodney’s eyes slid away from John’s briefly, and he knew that Rodney was leaving something out, something vital, he just couldn’t figure out what it might be. He crossed his arms and leaned his shoulder against the wall, determined to draw Rodney out despite his reticence. “What was the charge?” he asked, keeping his tone conversational.

“The charge?” Rodney swallowed hard, another bit of evidence to prove John’s theory true.

“Yes, Rodney, the charge. That you were arrested on?”

“Oh, that. Uh, loitering.”

“Loitering?” John didn’t bother hiding his incredulity but Rodney merely nodded. “You got arrested for loitering?” he prodded.

“Yes.” John waited, and because Rodney hated anything being unclear, even when it was to his own benefit, he added, “Well, sort of.”

“Okay. Why were you loitering?”

“I wasn’t loitering! I was following an energy signature. I tried to tell that to the imbecile who arrested me, but he wouldn’t listen.”

John was getting a headache, trying to pull the information out of Rodney piece by piece, but before he could question Rodney further about his arrest or the energy signature, a short dark-haired man in the official uniform of the Millenin entered the waiting room and approached Rodney.

“Excuse me, Dr. McKay, your license.”

Rodney closed his computer and rose to his feet so fast it looked to John as if he’d jumped up. The official handed him what looked like a laminated plastic ID card.

“You’ll need to have this on you at all times when you’re working on the Avenue of Er—.”

“Yes, yes, thank you,” Rodney interrupted, his voice dripping sarcasm, and waved the official away. He tucked the card securely into one of his many pockets and stuffed his computer into his pack before turning his attention back to John. “Okay,” he said, rubbing his hands together with undisguised excitement, “now _I_ can get back to my energy readings and you can get back to your guns.”

John had too many unanswered questions to allow Rodney to escape quite that easily. “What kind of energy readings?”

“Not quite enough to indicate a ZPM, sadly,” Rodney said, frowning, “but I won’t know more until I can actually find it.”

“And what was that?” John said, pointing.

“What was what?” John just glared at him. “Oh, that.” Rodney patted his pocket. “My license.”

“License? License for what?”

“To, uh, loiter.” Rodney winced. He obviously thought that sounded as lame as John did. He gave John a quick wave and turned away, headed towards the door where he gathered Teyla up. “Well, I guess we’ll see you later.”

John pushed off the wall before Rodney could disappear out the door. “You know what? I think we should stick together,” John said, bringing Rodney up short and wiping the self-satisfied smile off his face.

“That’s really not necessary, Colonel.”

“Oh, I really think it is.”

*~*~*

  
As they walked down the street with Callym, Rodney and Teyla’s guide in the lead and Symmand bringing up the rear, John set himself next to Rodney and slowed, matching his stride to Rodney’s. Rodney ignored him, kept his eyes glued to the screen of the small handheld he carried, except for the quick glances up at his surroundings to make sure he wasn’t going to run into anything.

“I need more information than the miserly amount you’ve parted with, Rodney,” John said.

“I’ve told you everything. Everything important, anyway. What?”

With some difficulty John stifled the urge to strangle Rodney. “Why don’t you let me decide what’s important, okay?”

Rodney sighed. “Fine, what do you want to know?”

“Why were you the only one arrested?” Rodney gave him some weak explanation about him being the only one loitering, and John shook his head. “Why are you making me dig every little detail out of you? Usually you can’t resist talking about yourself. Okay, so where was Teyla while you were loitering?”

“Teyla was, uh, back with Callym.”

“What do you mean, _back with Callym_? Where was Callym?” Rodney opened his mouth and John interjected, “And do not say back with Teyla, or so help me....”

“Fine, I got...separated from them while I was following the energy signature.”

“Sep—? How could you possibly get separated from them?”

“I told you how,” Rodney said, and then spoke very slowly, emphasizing each word as if he were talking to an idiot, “I was following the energy signature I’d picked up.”

John took a deep, calming breath. “We were given guides for a _reason_ , Rodney. You should have let Teyla, at least, know what you were doing.”

Rodney lost his bluster. “Yeah, I should have, I just didn’t think.”

John patted Rodney’s shoulder. “Don’t do it again. Now, what else aren’t you telling me?”

*~*~*

  
“It’s a what?”

John was so surprised he stopped walking, but Rodney kept going so John had to double time it to catch up. Rodney stared straight ahead, his face carved in stone.

“Seriously,” John said, “because there is no way I heard that right.”

“You wouldn’t have heard it at all if you could have left well enough alone, Colonel.”

Rodney refused to speak to him the rest of the walk to the street where he’d been checking out the energy readings. When John tried to follow Rodney and Callym down the street, Symmand held him back.

“You may not follow,” he said.

“Why not?”

“Because you do not have a license, and if I understand correctly, your Dr. McKay may be awhile. Come, I have told Callym that we will wait for them in the park where there are benches.”

Symmand gestured behind them, and John turned to look at the park, then turned back to where Rodney and Callym had paused while Rodney pressed some buttons on the handheld.

“I don’t really like leaving one of my men alone,” he said.

“Me neither.”

“I’m sure that Dr. McKay will be fine,” Teyla said, covering for John’s and Ronon’s less than diplomatic comments.

Symmand looked between the three of them. “Dr. McKay will be safe with Callym, and we will be able to see them from the park.”

John reluctantly followed the others to the park, but situated himself so that he had a clear view of Rodney. Symmand spent several minutes conversing with Ronon and Teyla about the park, and then approached John.

“Callym has one of these licenses?” John asked, wondering how it was that the guide was allowed to accompany Rodney while none of the rest of them were.

“Yes. It is not often that we are required to enter this portion of the city for purposes of work, but just in case, most mid-level guides have a license allowing them free access.”

“And you, as well?”

“Of course.”

“What about in an emergency?”

John saw the smile that Symmand did his best to hide. “If there was an emergency, a license would not be required.”

John nodded, slightly appeased, then watched Rodney some more. When he was sure that Rodney wasn’t getting into any trouble, he said, “So, a red light district, huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s just...what we call this type of, uh, area where I come from. Red light district.” Symmand nodded politely. “You have, uh, licenses for this sort of thing?”

Symmand went off on a long spiel about the legalization of prostitution in Millenin and how the licensing practice protected everyone, and they were quite strict about enforcing it for that reason. “I’m sure the Chancellor would have thrown the charges against Dr. McKay out, but it would have taken some time for the formalities to be observed, so Dr. McKay was very smart to take the action he did.”

“Which was?”

“Obtaining a license, of course.”

“Uh huh. A license to...?”

John nearly choked when Symmand replied, “A license to practice prostitution, of course.”

*~*~*

  
John was grinning when Rodney and Callym returned. “So, what did you find?” he asked, knowing the teasing would wait.

Rodney frowned at him, then said, “A low-level energy source. It’s a mineral in the stones, actually, the ones that the large greyish building down there is built out of.” He turned and pointed it out.

John’s attention was momentarily diverted. “Why would you have gotten so excited about a low-level energy source?”

“I wouldn’t have. Turns out that, when placed together, they create a much larger source of energy.”

“Kind of like hooking batteries in tandem,” John said, knowing how much Rodney loved his analogies.

“Yes,” Rodney said, with so much sarcasm John had to bite his lip to keep from smiling, “just like.”

“Anything we can use?”

“Only if we had a way to mine the minerals from the rock, otherwise the weight of enough stone to power my laptop might sink Atlantis.”

“So, no adding it to the trade-for list, then?”

“No.”

“Well.” John checked his watch. “It’s getting late. We should probably get back to the Chancellor so we can say our goodbyes.”

Callym and Symmand took the lead and John and Rodney fell into step behind them, with Ronon and Teyla following.

“So, Rodney, how about showing me your license?”

*~*~*

  
On the other side of the Stargate Elizabeth was waiting for them. “Welcome back. How was your trip?”

“The trip was fine,” John said.

“No injuries?”

“We are all well,” Teyla said.

“Excellent. How about a quick debrief, then, before you head to the infirmary for your post-mission check-up?”

“Sounds good to me.”

When Elizabeth turned to lead the way up the stairs to the conference room, Rodney grabbed John’s arm. “Say. Nothing. Seriously, Colonel, or there’ll be a sudden, mysterious power outage in your quarters and cold showers for a month.”

John shot Rodney his most innocent expression, but he could tell that Rodney wasn’t buying it. He just huffed and stormed after Elizabeth and Teyla.

Ronon’s face was devoid of any expression to the casual observer, but John had learned to read him pretty well. He was certain that this particular expression said, ‘You would be in so much trouble.’ And if he wasn’t mistaken, there was a glint of challenge in his eyes. Without speaking, Ronon turned and followed Rodney.

John weighed the pros and cons of showering without hot water for a month versus the look on Rodney’s face when he told Elizabeth about their latest off-world experience as he jogged up the stairs.

“So, Elizabeth,” John said, as he slouched into the chair beside Rodney, “McKay has something to tell you.”

“No, I don’t,” Rodney said, and then turned to John. “And _you_? Are a dead man.”

*~*~*

  
John sauntered into the nearly empty lab and made his way over to Rodney’s workstation. He assumed the casual pose that he’d managed to convince everyone was second nature, one hip resting against the counter, arms crossed over his chest, and waited for Rodney to acknowledge him. Surprisingly, his wait wasn’t as long as usual. He’d just settled in when Rodney spoke.

“If you’ve brought cash,” Rodney said without looking up, his voice hard, his face set, “just put it in the jar, and then leave so I can get some work done.”

John raised an eyebrow, but it was lost on Rodney, so he found the jar Rodney was talking about and leaned over so he could peer inside. It was half full of loose bills and coins, some he couldn’t place, along with a bunch of quarters and even some pennies.

“You’re panhandling?” John said with a smile, trying to draw Rodney out.

Rodney raised his head long enough to shoot a glare at John, then returned to the printout he’d been going over when John walked in. “I’m not talking to you.”

“Oh, come on, you’re not still mad at me about telling Elizabeth, are you?” John tried out his very best puppy dog eyes, but Rodney didn’t budge.

In lieu of an explanation about the cash in the jar from Rodney, John reached into the jar and sifted through the money. It was real. And there were as many different types of money as there were countries represented in the expedition. “Wow, people brought money to the Pegasus Galaxy? What did they think they were going to spend it on?”

“Prostitutes, apparently.” Rodney ground the words out and John could tell that he was sorry he’d said them as soon as he’d spoken.

“Oh,” John said. “They’re not letting this one go, huh?” No wonder Rodney was still mad at him.

Rodney rolled his eyes but didn’t otherwise respond, so John leaned on his elbows and separated some of the bills. “What do you think the exchange rate is on all these?”

“Short of cash, Colonel?”

“No. I just thought, I don’t know, that they could pay for your next vacation, or something.”

Rodney did look up at that. He stared at John, then down at the money. “What kind of vacation would I get for about twenty bucks?”

“Huh.” John turned the money over in his hands before stuffing it all back into the jar. “They really don’t know you very well if they think you’re this cheap.”

Rodney sighed. “You know, this wasn’t funny when I was _arrested_ , or when Radek asked me—for my own safety, of course—whether I had my license on me, and it’s not funny now.”

“No, I know. Except for, you know, the part where you were arrested for practicing prostitution without a license when you weren’t even, you know, practicing, that was pretty funny. Right?” When Rodney didn’t answer, John said, “You’d think it was funny if it had happened to Lorne.”

“Yes, well, that’s because it would have actually _been_ funny if it had happened to Lorne.” Rodney was able to ignore him for about thirty seconds. “Why are you still here?”

“It’s late, and I figured we could do something.”

“I’m not talking to you, remember?”

“I was hoping I could convince you to forgive me.”

Rodney snorted. “How? Throw a dollar in the pot?”

“Please,” John scoffed, and withdrew a packet of Rodney’s favorite coffee from his jacket.

Rodney’s annoyance shifted from being teased to being left out of the coffee loop. “Where’d you get that?”

“Hoarded it.”

Rodney snatched it out of John’s hand. “For me?”

“For you.”

John thought things were looking up, but Rodney’s shoulders stiffened and he sniffed. “Yes, well, nice try, but as you said, I’m not quite that cheap.”

“Hey! This stuff is not cheap. This is the good stuff. Besides, I brought two.” Rodney’s eyes got really big and John could see that he almost had him, so he brought out the big guns. “And chocolate.” When he added the Cadbury bar to the pile he thought that Rodney might faint.

“I might not be cheap,” Rodney said as he stuffed his booty into his pockets, “but I am easy.”

John laughed, because Rodney was anything but easy, but he _was_ worth it.

The End


End file.
